Tripped Up

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“You give me cause for love that I can’t hide…” -Johnny Cash

Just hearing the phrase “double doozey” can send clear images of two wall sized cookies with about 20pounds of the good sugary icing doused in between. The damage of this monstrous size delicacy was so obvious that I would literally eat this doozey out of the bag, hiding the evidence. Pulling it out and laying it on an actual plate, napkin or any of the sorts was like outwardly confessing the reality that with no problem and in the blink of an eye; the entirety of that bad boy could go down quicker than quick. My aunt made a good point that after the first three bites you really don’t taste it anymore but that never really registered under the influence of this doozey.

“God loves you, and He wants you to believe it and receive it all the time, even when you make mistakes.” -Joyce Meyer

I know many of us have tasted defeat. Our mistakes are so glaring they are like deodorant marks smeared down the front of our shirt. Knowing first hand what failure looks, feels and smells like. And how much more apparent when you struggle with food. In this weight loss struggle, I’ve failed more times than I can count. Year after year. And if I stayed in that place, dwelling on all the mistakes and choices that kept me down and away from the hope of walking and living a better way; I would never be writing this today. Sooner or later we get to the point of not being bullied back down for our mistakes or running away from failure but learn first hand that failure is a place of growth. Not how could I have done that, but how can I learn from that. That in failing there is learning what not to do next time.

“You don’t have to try so hard…” Colbie Caillat

My friend and her husband lead a single’s ministry at their church. They asked me to share my journey. The real, raw, ugly, scandalous yet God’s truth is still greater than mine kinda journey. That even in the darkest of places, His light and love is better and bigger and greater. I was so glad I ran into my friend at Panera right before. She told me about how she has shared her experience, strength and hope and they were just the words I needed to hear. I haven’t been writing or sharing because I know I have a tendency to go overboard in most all things. And maybe that happened a little in my sharing. In our humanity most of us want to throw stones and cast judgment on the big sin doozies, but I have come to find that Jesus is all about the heart. So whatever the stuffing or numbing it’s all equal. Donald Miller talks about public isolation. When you are presenting a certain self yet there is brokenness all around you. Fakeness. Lies. Tension. Struggle. Uncertainty. The isolation can be overwhelming. But to believe we can still share hope in the struggle. To live authentically yet imperfectly. I am learning that’s okay. So I’ve tried to get honest with myself. With the reality of the tension and hope surrounding me. The brokenness and believing better in the everyday. And in not sharing I’ve also gained some poundage. There have been some hard losses and change these last few months. Some unpredictability, some carpets ripped and going back to default comforts that aren’t the healthiest or most beneficial are always there beckoning you back. Writing and sharing helps me stay accountable. It helps me to hope that my real, raw and sometimes ugly, fumbling, tripping journey is a place of sharing hope in the struggle.

I am in this Nov/Dec issue of Weight Watchers and am quoted saying…”it’s worth fighting to be your best…” It’s worth the struggle. The naming. The hard truths. The not giving up.

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“Live in the daylight and dance through the dark” -Bella Vita

Wandering Woe #2 You haven’t messed up too much for God.
His love for you can not be silenced. You can never out mess, out sin, out due or out run God’s grace and you can never earn it.
“Jesus plus nothing equals everything.”

“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this…While we were still sinners, Christ died for us .” -Romans 5:8

I was grateful that the same week I was pondering this truth, the sermon at church was about the same point. The only way to grow is to know we are growing by grace alone. That our righteousness is but filthy rags and anything that we will ever do that has any significance is because of God’s grace in our life. And the movement of His hand through us…no credit of our own.

“Jesus paid it all, all to him I owe.” -Kristian Stanfill

If left to our own devices we will self destruct. I used food as a destructive weapon against myself. Or people pleasing. Or perfectionism. If I did what you wanted me to do than I’d be okay. If I did it perfectly than I’d be okay. Always searching, striving, grabbing, stuffing and numbing. But the reality is He makes me okay. And I am free to learn and grow and fail and not always know.

I hope you have been making life giving, believing better choices these last few months. And if you’ve found yourself going down those familiar yet dead end roads; I hope you have the courage to turn around. To keep moving in a free-er more full-er direction. Living, learning, failing and growing.

Hugs and Love,


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