Busted

After coming off of a weekend with my nephews, I was grateful for the moments, activities, stories, and the continual glimpses of unconditional love that spoke to my heart. We set sail for Captain America, camping, fishing, and the pool. Before getting started Saturday I was reminded in my morning devotional from Jesus Calling…

“In addition to the three dimensions of space and the one of time, there is the dimension of openness to My Presence. This dimension transcends the others, giving you glimpses of heaven while you still reside on earth.”

Love the moments I am around them and am reminded to keep it simple, stay in the moment, and live full. Glimpses. I’m sure if you’re a parent you probably experience this all the time but as an Aunt those moments stand out in waves of revelation tucked in between the here and there. Wow, I love them to pieces. There is nothing they could ever do to make me not love them. As we shared that time and space, I thought even if we just sat here at the table and twiddled our thumbs, just being with them is enough. I thought about how flawed and imperfect my human love is, yet there is nothing they could ever do to make me love them less. I mean, we are talking spit in my eye, steal my money, leave me stranded in a blazing fire, yet they would always have my love.

“Your love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me.” -Jesus Culture

We had this s’more moment when two Hershey bars went missing. Everyone started pointing fingers and blaming. It made me think of all those times when I was the guilty snatcher, yet it never seemed to be so funny. I remember once when we came back from Germany for a visit because my grandfather was sick. We had flown in for Easter and spent the holiday at my Aunt’s house while visiting him in the hospital. I slept downstairs on the couch. There was a lamb cake on the counter for the Easter celebration the next day. Maybe I was nervous. Maybe I felt alone and unsettled. I’m not really sure, but I remember sneaking sliver after sliver on the cake in the stillness of the night until the whole ear was missing. The Easter lamb cake without an ear. Everyone woke up the next morning flabbergasted that the ear had gone missing. What happened to it? The ear just couldn’t get up on its own and walk away by itself? And there I stood, denying through my cake filled teeth. I literally blamed it on the dog. The small dog who could never reach the counter in his own strength without a step ladder. But there I was slathered in shame and cake frosting blaming, hiding, and busted. The whole room knew it was me. I got looks of pity and pathetic. I still didn’t come clean. As an 11 year old girl as I look back on those cycles of shame which I continuously lived out of, I wish I could go back and tell her that she’s loved, beautiful, and worthy just as she is. I wish I could tell her whatever pain you feel, whatever emptiness you’re trying to fill, whatever the room is saying; God’s unconditional love for you will always be enough. Eaten ear and all, you don’t have to hide and you don’t have to be afraid.

“Your love was a light bulb hanging over my bed.” -U2

If we sat down to chat I would tell you that the beginning of my believing better journey started back in 2007 when I embarked on a spiritual journey at my church called “Restoring Eve.” There’s no doubt that’s where the foundation was laid. I hope those leaders and mentors take the show on the road and patent the content. I didn’t realize it then, hind sight is always 20/20. Who knew 4 years later I would find myself crying out to learn how to choose and live from a place of grace and freedom related to this struggle. Hence the long way around. The class was based on the book Captivating by Stasi Eldredge. They had us process through our story, dignity, and the cycles of shame and grace. About being beautiful, loved, cherished. About being made whole in God’s extravagant, relentless, unending, limitless love. About being and becoming. All the things I was really believing at a heart level for the first time. The foundation was being laid brick by brick. I decided to bust out the binders this week for the first time in years and I couldn’t believe my eyes. The first question I opened to was…

“To experience for yourself…That the truest thing about His heart towards you is not disappointment or disapproval…

But deep, fiery, passionate, love?” -Restoring Eve

Ummm….What would I do? What an awesome question. To believe that. To choose out of that truth. To live in the light of that Radiant Love. How transforming. I would live full. I would choose life. I would believe better. I would dare greatly. What would you do friends? I promise my blog isn’t going to turn into an evangelistic blog forum…I promise my posts will be lighter and shorter :-)! But I just can’t keep from writing about what has changed my mind and choosing these last several years. And if it can help you in your journey and choosing, I’m grateful to share. I can’t wait to highlight a piece of my friend’s choosing life and believing journey on my next post. She was also a part of this class. I remember we watched some clips from Rob Bell that had lasting impact. Lump. Breathe. Name.  I know recently there has been some commentary scuttlebutts and debates about Rob Bell, but I like to run from debating, judging intentions and motives and trying to figure out the deeper mysteries of God; I like to leave that to the intellects. Being one whose felt the judgment of being too scandalous for some and a little too religious for others; I’m grateful that Jesus is all about relationship. That He can handle our junk and our mess, and our mishaps and our imperfections. It’s really no surprise to Him. As I reflected back on all that snack sneaking shame, I thought even if it was me who ate the bars this time would I be able to stand secure and not define my worth by some not so beneficial choices. I think that is what has helped me to get to 6 months into maintenance. The quick down, quick up. Moving forward in faith. Knowing that my “do” doesn’t define my “who”. What I do or don’t do doesn’t determine God’s love for me. That is so counter cultural isn’t it. Scandalous really. I’ll write it again…they say there is healing in writing so here goes a second time…your do doesn’t determine your who. Yowsers…that is mind altering, blow your hair back freeing isn’t it? How can I not go all the way with You? What other alternative could be as inviting?

“A sense of worthiness inspires us to be vulnerable, share openly, and persevere. Shame keeps us small, resentful and afraid.” -Brene Brown

I felt compelled to share this Lump Clip because it speaks to the hiding and shame and breaking the cycle. To not live out of that shame. To live out of grace. Love brings us out into the light. Some questions are already answered. Loved. Worthy. Accepted. Belong. Approved. Whatever struggle you maybe facing this week, whatever glimpses of heaven you may have seen, whatever doses of unconditional love you may or may not have experienced, I hope you continue to settle into the truth that you are loved. You are worth it. And you are enough. Broken junk, eaten ear, missing snacks and all. I hope you choose out of that love. I am learning His unconditional love continues to change my storyline. His grace redefines me.

“Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps through hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.” –Maya Angelou

Grateful to be fully alive and learning how to live full one day at a time. I hope you are learning and living in that deep, fiery, passionate love and may you choose from that place of knowing. Busting out of the covers, shackles, and destructive cycles. His unfailing love will never leave you hiding and afraid.

“There is no fear now…let go and just be free… I will love you, unconditionally.” -Katy Perry