“God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble.” -Psalm 46:1
On that long drive to Pittsburgh last weekend, with my first International/Olympic Distance Triathlon before me, anticipation and dread surged with every passing tunnel and truck. To my Tri friends, this distance could be considered small potatoes but for me we are entering the no joke, big time, shaking in my boots zone. Grateful we all have our individual places of challenge that send us out of our comfort zone. Before I could even think of submerging in that river, I had to be intentional with focus and settle my mind, shut down the noise and voices, pray and keep centered. There is a reason why you signed up. God put this dream in your heart. Now it’s time to show up. And the paralyzing lies started to swirl…what if, who you, shut it down.
“That’s when you press on, lean in…” -Gym Class Heroes
Stepping out in faith, believing God for more, for Him to redefine your truth of who He says you are; will always greet with a mind field battle. I was grateful I had a patient the day before I left say to me…”you give me hope, now I’m going to go home and encourage myself.” And as the lies came; I used her exact advice. It’s time to encourage myself. Encourage myself in the truth of who God says I am. In Him; New Creation. Strong and Courageous. Bold, Brave and Beautiful. More than a conqueror. His grace is sufficient. Whatever mountain, whatever river, whatever road, as long as You are with me, I’m better than fine. In my strength, I’m surely toast. We’ve come to that conclusion many times and circled that same dead end road for years. Slowly sinking in my not believing better ways but with You anything is possible. I kept fighting to renew my mind. In trusting Him more. I finally finished the book “Never Give Up” by Joyce Meyer. Perfect timing for race weekend.
“Get that motivation to not give up, and not be a quitter…” -Eminem
“Fulfilling your destiny demands letting go of what lies behind. I had to stop mourning over what I had lost and start taking inventory of what I had left. You have a great future ahead of you, but you will not be able to enter it and enjoy it if your past holds you captive. God wants to set you free from your past and set your face toward your future with hope, courage, and expectation. And the best way I know to never give up on your future is to refuse to be trapped by your past.” -Never Give Up, Joyce Meyer
“His concerns he forgets them…playing under the table and dreaming…take these chances.” -Dave Matthews Band
So when the lies come to haunt us of our mistakes, lost time, the broken mess we can still be with grace needed daily…choose truth. If we wait until we are sinless, perfect, have it all together and figured out, we will never take a forward step. God is surely bigger than our mess, mistakes, regrets, and fears. And He loves it when we trust Him with just a little more. The place where we know we are in way over our head gives Him the space to move and shine. So on the road I traveled to face those over my head mountains. My friend reminded me just how you love cheering for your nephews; that’s how He feels about us. But why is that so hard to receive sometimes? That He celebrates us as His children not just tolerates us. That as we step out in faith, He is rooting for us. I want to choose life and believe better in that truth all the time. Even when I blow it. Even when I’m shaking in my boots. Tearing down every falsehood to live free and full with a heart that gets to love imperfectly, live fully, and experience Him abundantly in ways I never thought possible. So river…ready or not, here I come…it’s you and me!
“Be strong and courageous, be not afraid…for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” -Joshua 1:9
“I can’t tell where the journey will end, but I know where to start…” Avicii
Spending some time with some of my besties through the years was just what my soul needed. And though time and space has created distance, we picked up like it was yesterday. Soaking in the city on our big girl bikes and laughing all the way. I opted to not do the swim clinic which was a smart move. I deemed one visit to the river enough for one weekend. We prepped, we got the essentials, I made sure I had my favorite hat. I spent time in prayer, journaling, quieting myself and was grateful for the reminiscing and pasta as we topped off the pre race festivities. There are always some mishaps in the early morning like Karin and I both not being able to find our phones, or how my bag got caught in the trunk opener and I couldn’t get my bike out for a few brief minutes of panic…I pulled so hard I twisted my wrist. Keep moving forward despite obstacles.
Three unforgettable lessons I learned this race…
1. Great Expectations-beware of your preconceived notions, misguided understandings, because it’s never what it seems or what you’re expecting.
2. Veering Off-even when you’re off track you can always get back on course with a few steps and adjustments.
3. Slick Trick-though the journey is slippery, tricky, speckled with great danger zones, He is bigger than the storm.
The day before everyone around me was saying 500 yards against current; then across to the next buoy, then with current will be smooth sailing. So I kept telling myself just get to the first buoy. It’ll be like the hardest 30 minute workout of your life and after that easy like Sunday morning, breeze on down. Have fun, soak in the city and don’t drink too much river water. Well little did the people know a storm was brewing and the whole river became cross currents. I did every stroke imaginable to just keep swimming. I knew at the start of this race and the look of the clouds…rut row. There were a few times in the swim I realized I was heading away from the buoy. Head up, readjust, get back on coarse. Just because you veer off doesn’t mean it’s all over. Don’t panic. Refocus. And on the bike it rained with a vengeance. Visibility not so good. Slick roads with road tires equals me gripping the handle bars for dear life. Every fear of my self protected bubble in working with severe head injury patients came flooding and the danger reality was glaring right in my face. There was a moment I almost went in to oncoming traffic because I couldn’t see what was in front of me or which way to go. But I kept clinging; You are with me. My refuge and strength. My shelter. If You want me home this day, it’s all You. If I get hurt, to be here with You in your presence, in this storm on this day; to know You more is enough. And the moment I knew on the run with lightening literally flashing before me and behind me and the sound of thunder interrupting my music vibe; He controls every bolt of lightening became more real than the puddles splashing below or the breath filling my lungs. And Esther’s words were smack dab on my heart…”And if I perish, I perish…” For my good and for Your glory.
“I lift my eyes up; my help comes from the Lord…” Kristian Stanfill
As my shoes were like heavy buckets of water, a drown rat, and completely drenched, healing rain fell all around me. My heart started to sing…”I am not the same…your love is amazing, steady and unchanging…” Even when lightening ensues, visibility has tanked, and oncoming traffic is before; I never swim, bike or run alone, even in the eye of the storm. You give the grace to stand and move forward. And that was exactly what He wanted me to learn by heart that day. He is bigger even in extreme conditions and raging waters. I was so grateful for the message. I heard it loud and clear. I clung every step. And about 100 yards from the finish line…Kari Jobe’s “You are for me” came across my randomized shuffle.
“So Faithful, So Constant, So Loving and So True…So Powerful in all You do…
You fill me, You see me, You know my every move…
You love for me to sing to You.” -Kari Jobe
As the piano started I was wrecked. The tears came like the pouring rain around me. I tried to use the same voice strategies I tell my patients as my throat felt like it was closing off from the ugly cry. I’ll never forget that moment, crossing the finish line to that song, hugging my friends; I will cherish that day, that moment, all of my life. There was a reason why I signed up. I surely was suppose to be there that day. Silence and reflection found me this last week. I couldn’t even write these words for days. Now I have once again put way too many words for a blog post. Thank you for your grace as I continue to find and hone my blogging voice…surely learning and growing as I go :-)!
“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders…” Hillsong United
“If this was the last dance of the night…” -AfroJack
And to celebrate with some great friends and good eats was well worth it. I can’t thank Kristy, Karin and Jackie enough for weathering the storm that day. For standing out in the pouring rain to cheer me on. It made it all that much sweeter. And for coach Kelly and her wisdom and my friends and family who continue to pray and support each step. I know we each have our own storms in life, struggles we continue to move through and forward in faith, one believing better day at a time. Stepping out of our comfort zones despite shaking in our boots. Standing in His grace moment by moment. As we were splitting these amazing desserts and I sipped on my favorite Hefeweizen, it also hit me over the head…enjoy this moment. He is celebrating with us, not just tolerating. Linger here a bit. Let Him continue to lead the dreams, challenges, and possibilities. To see this distance and be grateful for all the roads and veerings, and especially this daily gift to live full.
“Tell the world that we finally got it all right…I choose You.” -Sara Barielles
I hope whatever dreams He is brewing in your heart, you know He is bigger than the fears, regrets, storms, mistakes, and even your past. That if you choose to sign up there is a reason. A mountain waiting, a takeaway message, an unforgettable lesson and maybe even a storm. I hope you let Him meet you where you are and lead you where He wants you to go. Though the lightening strikes, though the road is slick, though the journey maybe unsafe and dangerous, and we may even lose vision and direction….He is bigger. He is greater. He is enough. It’s my hope and prayer that we can learn to enjoy this live full journey with celebration not just tolerance, with every believing better forward step. Much love and hugs on your unpredictable, sometimes dangerous journey my friends. Grateful to still be here, sharing hope in the midst of the struggle. Onward and upward we go!
“Be a person who lets go of past regrets, lives in the present, and never gives up on a fabulous future. ” -Never Give Up; Joyce Meyer
Love this girl! I’m so happy for you, and I’m cheering for you, just as God and all his Angels are cheering for you, and celebrating you, and your faithful walk! Very powerful to know, and live with the complete understanding that we don’t journey alone, for he is always with us, and will never forget us! Love you xoxo!